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Keith Marshall looks
at some Chess Stereotypes
you may recognize! ...
According to my reckoning chess players can be divided
into twelve categories listed below ...
Mr Average
Mr Average is the sort of player who plays obvious moves, he's
the player who plays pawn to king four, mention e4 to him and
he says "Oh I can't understand all that Russian stuff." So after 1
P-K4 P-K4, Yes this is a MUST, any other defence and Mr
Average gets a sulk on for the rest of the game, no foreign muck
like the French or Sicilians for this guy. 2 Kt-KB3 Kt-QB3 3 B-QB4
B-QB4, he reaches a position he's been in a thousand times, he
now has a big think and comes up with 4 0-0 (safe) the game
continues. "Want a draw?" he asks, "but we've only played
seven moves," comes the reply.
"Well Grandmasters do it," he says, "Look I haven't come all the
way from Greenland to agree a draw in seven moves, besides
WE'RE not bloody Grandmasters.!" Anyway the game peters out
into a boring old perpetual check after thirty moves, and in the
after game analysis he points out several ideas that he could
tried, ( they all seem quite good ) but didn't, anyway he goes
home happy keeping his grade up at 104.
The Rabbit
This player is not as good as Mr Average, but is more interesting
because he plays dangerous chess, you attack a piece of his ,
so he attacks a piece of yours. You sacrifice a pawn, he
sacrifices a Bishop!. He's a good attacker, but he's never read a
book about defending, the trouble is that when he MUST defend,
he doesn't, and this usually ends in tears. Although on odd
occasions he can beat players that Mr Average can't, because
he gets such complicated positions that the strong players can
miscalculate.! The funny thing about the Rabbit is that any post
game analysis is a complete waste of time as even though a
piece down he will insist his position is okay as long as he can
get a couple of checks in.
The Specialist
This player can be dangerous as he's taken an offbeat move
from the book usually 1 P-QN4 The Oran-Utan, or 1 P-KB4 Birds
Opening, less common are 1 P-KN4 Grobs Attack and 1 P-QB3
Saragossa, and spends hours and hours analysing all the book
lines, plus the fact if you go out of these book lines you come
up against the old midnight oil moves he's prepared.!
The only weakness in this idea is the offbeat move is offbeat
because it has a flaw,! otherwise it wouldn't be offbeat. This
player can sometimes beat strong players ( with White ) but can
also lose to weaker players because he sometimes beats himself
in the opening. Besides this, everybody knows what his first
move will be.! When he has Black you'll find that his grade will
drop by a few points. If you're White play his own move on him
and see what he thinks is the best line against it.!
As your playing this guy, usually Mr Tut comes up behind you
and every time you make a move you get this tut tut in your
ear. In my mind this tutting business condemns your moves, as if
he's seen something better and you decide to do the same to
him when you see him playing, the trouble is he never plays, just
tuts.!
Mr Know-All
This player is a lot better than Mr Average, but can't challenge
the expert, he knows all about the Openings and Endings, he
can talk for hours on how swap off, when to swap off and what
to swap off. He can tell you about weak pawns, Isolated pawns
and even backward pawns. He can rant and rave about Lucena's
winning position,
Philidors drawing position and even the Quasi-Trebuchet. (not a
sword thrust) But in his big match against the expert he goes
into an opposite coloured Bishop ending, with six pawns each,
he's then busy going round telling everybody "I'll now use my
technique of placing all my pawns on White squares,!! so as to
restrict my opponents white squared Bishop." (He has the black
squared one) Later on, after the game, you find out that the
expert went round and simply knocked off all Mr Know-alls
pawns. After this he doesn't talk about Bishops for two weeks.!
The Patzer
This player is by far the most dangerous, as everybody in the
land,including himself, knows that he can't for the life in him play
chess,!! even as a kid he never got any "A"s in his alphabet
soup.! What he knows about Openings, Middle-game and Endings
could be written on a pin head with a big red crayon,! and he
couldn't spot a mate in one, even if his team mates were doing
somersaults and shouting "Mate in one". So sitting down
opposite this guy is a nightmare, If you win, everybody says "So
what anybody can beat him" If you draw, he's doing cartwheels
down the corridor and his team mates are buying him beer like
they've won the lottery, while your team mates elect to give
you the old dunce cap and don't talk to you for weeks. And it
goes without saying that you would have to change your name
and leave the country immediately if you lost!.
Mr Stodge
With White its 1 Nf3 d5 2 g3 or 1 d4 Nf6 2 e3. Now if you're
Black and want to win you've had it, because this player thinks
that a minefield lays past the fourth rank, and will not cross it
under any circumstance. So you castle King side and throw f5,
g5, h5 and the kitchen sink at him, (After this one stodgy git
actually said "I thought you were playing for a draw?") but to no
avail, he soaks it up like a dried out alcoholic thrown into a vat
of wine. Now you look at your position and find your men have
simply charged too far forward, so you're open to a counter
attack, but you should be all right , you're up against the
stodge, and he hasn't made a threat since some school kid got a
clip round the lug because he asked stodgy for a sweet,
although he was 35 at the time. But what's this,? old stodgy
doesn't look absolutely bored to tears any more, he's actually
taking more interest in the position, than the scarf he's been
knitting through most of the game. Yes, a piece comes over the
fourth rank! Now its you who has to grovel, but as time goes on
Mr Stodge becomes Mr Cocky walking round in between moves
now, "Yes I always had a slight edge" he says to some passer
by, you realise that your position is far worse than you thought
and face a very nasty decision should you (A) Resign ? or (B)
Play on in the hope of a blunder (Heart Attack), letting Mr Clever
Cloggs really rub it in over the next hour? or (C) Leg it to the
bar!!
The Book Merchant
A lot of players come under this heading, this is the guy who
wants to win purely out of the Opening.? You're not playing
against an opponent here,
you're up against a memory man.! This player can somehow
memorise reams and reams of variations without actually
knowing the slightest bit about the ideas or plans behind the
Opening variation chosen, this must take a certain sort of skill,
as my memory is like a shelf the more stuff pushed on at one
end only means that other stuff falls off the other end. Anyhow
this sort of player must be watched, as your favourite Ruy Lopez
or Sicilian Dragon gets book whipped out of hand. Although at
congresses the book merchant is no danger in the Minors as his
opponents don't know enough book for him to get those certain
positions. The Majors are no fish pool for this shark either
because they come out of the book too early or have their own
systems. That leaves the Opens, but the book merchant comes
unstuck here as well, because as soon as he's out of the book
he's absolutely crap at chess!. One funny thing about this player
is after he's lost the game he's always determined to show you
where you went astray in the opening.?
The Expert
People (only chess players) open doors for this chap, just
because he can beat everybody you know it seems to give him
power, people move out of his way to let him through, that is
except Mr Tight Wad, who is the first to the bar "Glass of water
with (free) ice and (free) lemon barman", he says, then its "Hey
the chips and gravy at 90p,? how much just for the chips? "90p
mate," snaps the barman, "just a plate of gravy then pal, I've
brought my own bread, and get all the lights on in the chess
room, I can't see to put my battery on charge." He then moans
about the heating, the subs and the price of Kit-e-kat and
wanders why you get thrown out of the FREE room six months
later.? I digress, back to the expert, you'll find the know-alls and
mouthy gits don't talk so much when he's around. "The entire
line is rubbish!!" he says to some poor cringing fool who's dared
to mention a pet line he's worked on for the past two years. Mr
Average and the book merchant are to be found hanging round
him, hoping for any snippets of information. "Try thinking before
you move, not after," he says, Mr Average is spotted writing this
down!. "Can I get you anything besides strawberries Sir"? Mr
Crawly is heard to say before dashing off to organise a fan club.
After demolishing his opponent with some fine endgame
technique, the expert seems quite willing to give advice to
anybody who's listening. "Show me some of this endgame
technique stuff, I've got five minutes before my bus," the rabbit
says, everybody laughs except the patzer. The amazing thing
about this player is, lets say he plays the Sicilian in serious
games, in friendlys (If there is such a thing?) he can play the
French Caro-Kann or Benoni and know more about these
openings than some players who have been playing them for
years.! If you find yourself up against this guy, try to get him
drunk!
The Sacrificer
The name itself announces this player, no matter which opening
you choose against him he will sac something early on and mess
up all your nice plans of doubling up on the open file, or piling up
on his isolated pawn, then just after you've pulled your position
back into balance, bang another pesky sac, once again you've
got to weather the storm before getting back into some sensible
position. Now you're two pawns up, about to start your own
attack, but no! a piece comes flying your way, putting you back
on the defensive. Then after a lot of thought and plenty of
defending you finally manage to get out of this latest melee,
you're now getting geared up for some fun of your own, you
bring a Knight onto the fourth rank with some attacking ideas in
mind. Lo and behold he goes and resigns! after having all the fun
too!
The Thinker
As you talk to your team mates about the opponents, everybody
knows that the guy on board three ALWAYS gets into time
trouble, and as per usual its you who has the job of trying to
despatch him. The first thing he does is write down
6-5-4-3-2-1-0 against his last moves on the score sheet, this is
to give himself some kind of countdown at the time control,
followed by a few sets of brackets After moves ten twenty etc.
to keep to a certain schedule, next he takes off his watch, puts
it at the side of the score sheet and he's ready to play.! After
playing a few standard opening moves, his eyes seem to glaze
over, he's gone into think mode,! Nothing, not even the offer of
a free beer can now break his train of thought. After some
considerable time he stirs, moves a pawn and you reply by
taking on c3 with check, his eyes seem to glaze over. What is
he thinking about,? If he doesn't take back, he'll be a piece
down! The clock ticks away picking up the flag, surly he has to
move? If he were two Queens up he'd loose on time! He moves a
couple of times and the flag falls. "The position's okay its the
clock," he mutters, "Yes", you agree, "the clock." So in actual
fact he hasn't lost at chess, he's lost to the clock, "Why don't
you MOVE when you're so short on time,? Eh,? Why,? WHY,? his
eyes seem to glaze . . . . . . .
The Junior
Yes the dreaded junior, or to give him his correct name
Bratislava Pesticus, this is the scenareo, You're sat at your
board and up skips some four and a half year old kid with a wry
smile on his face as he looks at his next victim, you.! He comes
at you armed to the teeth.!! a cushion, ( to kneel on ) Fritz
eight embedded in his head, all the latest opening theory
dripping out of his ears, and the half eaten mars bar in his hand
looks like its been taken E.P His trainers look awesome,! and I'm
not just talking about the ones on his feet, Its Fischer and
Kasparov,!! who take up position directly behind him, after lifting
him onto his seat. Well you haven't been in this situation before,
what to play.? 1 e4, Is out of the question, you can't face 45
moves of pure book theory in the main line Sicilian.1d4? mmmm,
that's no good either, as you don't fancy the idea of facing
some new Fischarov move on move six in the Nimzo-Indian. You
start to panic as you look round for a playable alternative, 1 c4
? too positional, you'd be in Zugzwang after ten moves!
wherever that is? You opt for a stodgy move, and meekly poke
out 1 Nf3, he manages to reach the board with the aid of his
cushion, and bashes a pawn down on g5!! stares you in the
face, and dares you to take it! aaaarrrgh, Its such a shock it
takes you a full 30 seconds to even FIND the panic button, you
press it twice without even thinking, can I take it? I should take
it? shouldn't I? does he WANT me to take it? why should I take
it? God he's threatening to advance it, can I stop it.? Your mind
wanders off, and for about ten seconds you consider following
it! You start to think ( dream ) about the time you when you
were a kid, and your dad had said "Nah then lad aahs ta fancy
goin daahn ta chess club ta-neet ?" I'd have thought he'd lost
his marbles, cos I'd rather have stuck my hand in the ruddy
blender.! Just then as if from a far off distance a voice comes
into your head disturbing all your thoughts, and bringing you
back to reality. Your flags fallen mister." You look up force a
smile, shake hands and walk away with nothing except
chocolate on your hand. Yes we've all been there.
The Natural
This is my favourite player, usually in his mid fifties he's never
read a chess book in his life!, but finds the right moves over the
board. He's never seen a computer, and thinks Fritz is some
German guy who's pretty good at chess. If you mention a mouse
he's got traps and poison down before you can say "Queens
Gambit Declined (Orthodox Defence)".
Against this player you'll need all your wits, after the first few
moves he'll have a scrappy old position because he knows
nothing about book openings, ten more moves and he seems to
be making threats you haven't considered, and for some reason
your pieces are in the wrong places, then after stopping a
couple of threats you realise that you need two or three moves
at once to feel comfortable. This is always a bad sign, and the
fact is, he's winning! the reason,? He's been outplaying you at
chess,! proving ability is better than a little knowledge!. If he
could take on the book merchant's positions after twelve moves
he could take on the best. This guy plays for the sheer love of
it! and he's darned good at it!.
Keith Marshall.
Keith is a guest contributor from Heckmondwike, In West Yorkshire
and has sent in some info and a game at our request. All such
contributions welcome from far and wide.
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